He makes me so angry. I don't understand him at all. Except that I
do. I
wish he'd leave me, go back to his psycho ho. But he won't, he can't
even
if he wanted to. And he says he doesn't. I feel like I'd die without
him.
Oh God, I nearly killed him tonight. It was so close. What the hell
was he
playing at?
~I hope you're feeling happy now
I see you feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what you're doin' now
I wonder if you think of me at all~
I won't look back, I'm not going to see if he's following me. What if
he
isn't? What if he's angry I didn't trust him. What if he *does* leave
me?
It would all be my fault.... wait, no it wouldn't! It's his fault.
Oh, he
makes me so *mad*. I don't want him to leave. I don't know if I can
stand
him staying. He *should* leave. I'll kill him if he does. I can't
believe
he let me nearly stake him. I'd rather he was with someone else than
dead.
I think.... I'm so confused.
~do you still play the same moves now
or are those special moods
for someone else
I hope you're feeling happy now~
If he's not following me, he won't be able to see me now. I wipe tears
from
my face. This whole thing is impossible. Ridiculous that my mortal
enemy-turned-ally has become so much more. But we were doing OK. We
fight,
but it's fun. Not like this. And I'm not sure what we are any more.
Now I'm back at the Bronze. Guess I should go back in. And I won't
look
over my shoulder. Don't know if it would be worse if he was there, or
if he
wasn't. When I join the others, I smile and laugh, but I know that
they
know something is wrong. I can see it in their eyes, but no-one says
anything. Wills smiles and lays a hand briefly on my arm. Xander
wants to
do the protective male thing, and Anya is radiating hostility on my
behalf.
It's sweet, really. But it doesn't help. I dance away from them a
little.
A few moments later, a pair of arms slide round me. I can't help
myself, I
lean back into his embrace and my anger dissolves. I should be
stronger
than this. But I'm not.
~just because you feel good
doesn't make you right~
I twist in his arms so I'm facing him.
"I'm sorry, baby." he murmurs in my ear. I close my eyes, shaking my
head.
I know he's not apologising for biting that man, but it doesn't matter
now.
I melt into him and feel my misery fade away. What's wrong with me?
"Let's go home, Buffy." his voice is a seductive purr.
~just because you feel good
still want you here tonight~
I could forgive him anything as he bends to kiss me. Until I taste the
coppery tang in his mouth. I jerk back and pull free of him.
"Yes." I snap "Lets." Misery has given way to good clean anger again.
And
I know he's pleased to see it. I grab his arm and jerk him in the
direction
of the door. I see Willow grinning at Oz out of the corner of my eye,
and
firmly ignore them. Xander takes half a step, then stops, but by then
we're
at the door. I glare at Spike to go ahead of me. He gives me that
annoying
grin and saunters out into the night.
~does laughter still discover you
I see through all the smiles
that look so right~
We make it back to his apartment in record time. I slam the door
behind us.
"What were you doing? Trying to get yourself staked?!" He just
shrugs, a
small smile playing round his mouth, cockiness returned in full force.
"Like I said, love, the opportunity was there." Snorts "The moron
tried to
rob me. Bet he won't be doing that again." He shoots me a sideways
look.
"I was just teaching him a little lesson. You weren't supposed to
see."
"Which makes it OK, of course. You stupid bastard! I nearly staked
you...
you weren't fighting me. Didn't you know what I thought? Why didn't
you
explain?"
"Where's the excitement in that? Anyway, I wouldn't want to hurt you,
love." I stare at him in disbelief, feeling my fury mount still
further. I
begin to stalk towards him. He doesn't move and I stop just short of
him.
"You did it for *excitement*" I'm trying to stop my voice from
trembling,
but it's not really working. To cover up, I smack him in the chest.
"And
what makes you think you *could* hurt me? You... you... arrogant....
vampire!"
~do you still have the same friends now
to smoke away your problems and your life~
He laughs out loud at that, and before I can think I pull back and
punch
him. His head snaps back, and he automatically retaliates, sending me
skidding away from him a little. It gives me room to deliver a
roundhouse
kick, and we fall into a pattern of strike and parry, back and forth.
This
time he gives as good as he gets. We've sparred together so often -
for
practice or through anger - we know each other's weaknesses. By the
time I
manage to get under his guard, we both have a dozen minor injuries. I
press
my advantage and slam him back against a bookcase. As he rights
himself, it
wobbles dangerously, and suddenly a vase falls from the top... and hits
him
square on the head. It smashes, and he's abruptly drenched in rank
smelling
water. He staggers a little, puts one hand to his head, then brings it
away
covered in gross slimey stuff. I can't help it - I start to giggle.
He has
mouldy bits of leaves on his shoulders, and it's the funniest thing
I've
seen in a long time. The expression on his face too..... I'm
clutching my
stomach, howling with laughter, partly in reaction to my recent anger.
He
starts to grin, then laugh, and flicks a piece of slime at me. Ugh!
He
moves towards me, but I dodge away. I still can't stop laughing.
Running a
hand over his face, he grimaces, and heads for the bathroom instead. I
perch on the back of the couch, still grinning as I hear the running
water.
~oh how do you remember
me the one that made
you laugh until you cried
I hope you're feeling happy now~
He emerges, wet still, but de-slimed, and takes my hands.
"Better now, pet?" I lean into him, nodding. I hate being scared like
that, but he always knows how to bring me out of it. Even when he's
the
cause. He kisses my forehead, smoothes back my hair. "I tell you,
pet, you
should've seen the expression on that bloke's face.... priceless!...."
I sigh. "You still shouldn't do stuff like that...."
"No harm done... luckily for me..."
I smack his arm.
~just because you feel good doesn't make you right ~
"I don't know why I put up with you."
He leers at me. "I do." he whispers as his lips meet mine.
~just because you feel good still want you here tonight~
I pull away and grin at him. "Yeah. Just because."
